Last night we got to the chapter in Calvary Road that talks about Fellowship. Apparently a very Christian sub-culture word unless (as Paul pointed out) you're a fan of Lord of the Rings. It was speaking about loving one another and I can't help feeling this is a lot more and a lot deeper than putting up with people you don't like. I think it's actually loving one another. By this shall people know that you are followers of Jesus! If people notice then it's got to be noticeable. Confession to one another is interesting, and a level of appropriateness has to be applied, but surely it's about honesty. How can anyone love me unless they know the real me? How can they know the real me unless I am honest about my failings as well as the bits I want people to know about? As soon as you get into the details of this however you start asking about procedure and the heart of it disappears. I guess you only know how to do it when you're actually doing it.
In the light of this I begin to ask myself why I can no longer cope with attending Sunday church services. I could come up with all sorts of reasons that relate to other people and processes, but ultimately it comes down to me. Why can't I take a couple of hours to find out what other Christians are doing and thinking? Why can I not force myself to go along with an order of things pre-defined by someone else? Why can I not seek to find meaning in a group of people hoping that they're worshipping God? Even in asking the questions I'm trying to phrase them such that it doesn't seem that it's me who's the problem. I find myself hoping that it really doesn't matter, that I'm not really worried about it.